I told her I was sick of living a Walter Mitty life. She just laughed at me.

"I don't want to be with you because you don't believe in yourself, its an unattractive qaulity."

A cold and uncomfrotable silence, which seemed to hang there for an aeon.

"That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, how can I believe in myself if others - and you- don't help me? I just don't understand."

I could feel my voice tembling and my throat feeling horse and thick, making it hard to swallow. The tears were welling up behind my slightly bloodshot eyes.

"I just can't deal with it and your shit right now"

More unbearable silence. I fucking hate the silence more than anything, even in a situation like this when hearts and souls are laid bare, the conversation was disjointed and awkward.

"So how can I believe in myself if YOU won't? Please tell me, I'm dying to know as you seem to have this all figured out." The irratation in my tone of voice was rising with the choked back tears.

She didn't reply. We just sat there on the edge of the bed, not looking at each other until a tear finally rolled down my cheek. There was nothing else left to say.

"I think I better go" I put on my coat and reached for my bag.

She nodded in agreement. I got up and headed for the door. As I turned the handle I looked over to her. I wanted to ask whether she had ever felt anything for me the way I had for her in the short time we had known each other but I couldn't bring myself to ask.

"You know you always said that I would look cute if I cried? Congratulations, you must be happy."

"I'm not." She said with a sad look all over her face that I had never seen before.

I wiped my face on my sleeve, turned the door handle and left without saying goodbye. That was the last time I ever saw her, crying on the edge of her bed as I walked out. The girl who drove me crazy.

Well here we are, my fist LJ entry and it isn't a happy one. Which brings me onto the topic or issue that has been bugging me for the past two weeks; happiness. Happy people are utter bastards aren't they? It's cool that people find a shred of hope in this godawful and fucked up world, but do they have to rub it in your face? Of course they fucking do because this is how the world works and no, I am not a Goth. Looking across the office floor today I see to co workers who I have no intention of knowing socially, cuddle up to each other, putting on the most clumsy display off affection I've ever witnessed in the workplace. I wish I brought my air pistol in this morning.

Perhaps the most annoying thing about these happy shiny people is there absolute faith that the terminally miserable want to be cheered up, especially by them. If we wanted to smile we'd find away that agrees with our cheesed of as fuck dispositions, namely dropping laxatives in the aforementioned happy couples cheap coffee. I really am wishing I brought my bag marked "Wrath" with me this morning but those are the breaks.

I'll make the effort to post something more relevant and witty next time.

Peace.

Giles

Miserable, bloody Oxfordshire.